Hockey player thanks Satan for his success


Often, after victories, athletes like to take a moment to thank God, Jesus, or even the occasional shout out to Allah. But one NMU hockey player stirred up controversy after thanking Our Dark Lord Satan.

Melvin Schwarz, a sophomore wood technology major and forward for the Wildcats, thanked Satan for imbuing him with “the strength of the Dark Prince himself.” Schwarz has been a self professed Satanist for the past three weeks. According to Schwarz, the conversion has not affected his game play, except for the occasional possession.

“As a Satanic-American, I’m entitled to all the rights that Christians are,” said Schwarz.

Schwarz scored three goals in his last game before being ejected for wearing unlicensed horn-shaped implements on his helmet. He spent most of his penalty time using a Ouija board in the box in a vain attempt to contact Wayne Gretzky – who Shwarz erroniously assumed was deceased.

Many Christian groups on campus have expressed their outrage at Schwarz’s comments.

“Oh, come on,” said Christy Christiansen, president of the Kirk Cameron Fan Club.

Wildcat hockey coach Sal Milton said that a player’s religion doesn’t matter as long as they can play.

“I don’t care if he worships a bearded hippy, a furry guy with horns or a block of cheese, Schwarz is fast on the ice,” said Milton.

Schwarz said his conversion to Satanism was inspired by his favorite novels, the Harry Potter series.

“(Harry’s) whole perspective on life really hit home for me, I mean I totally related. He’s a wizard, I’m a hockey player, it’s like J.K. Rowling was writing about me,” said Schwarz.

The Wildcats will be playing an exhibition game against the Kingsford JV High School hockey team this weekend, in which Schwarz is expected to play. Schwarz said he will be participating only if the university formally endorses Satanism as the official religion of the college. The president of the university has responded by saying that he will not negotiate with religious zealots.

“There’s no way in Hell, pun intended, that we are going to do that,” said NMU’s president.

When informed of the administration’s position, Schwarz placed a curse upon them, before collapsing to the floor while speaking in “demonic” tongues.