Starting next semester, Northern students will be entertained by a new brand of Olympic sport, as Curling becomes the sixth sport to be a part of the U.S.O.E.C.
According to USOEC director Ace Freeley, the new sport, known to fans as “chess on ice,” will be sure to delight students with it’s fast-paced action.
“It’s easily the most exciting Olympic sport we’ll have on campus,” Freeley said. “Well, except for speedskating, boxing, Greco-roman wrestling, freestyle wrestling and weightlifting. Besides those sports, though, curling is the most exciting without a doubt.”
Bringing the up-and-coming sport to NMU is a project that Freeley has spent the better part of 20 years working on.
“The sport is wildly popular in Canada, and it’s a lot like shuffleboard,” Freeley said. “I figure, we’re close to Canada, and everyone loves shuffleboard. There is no way this can fail.”
The sport features two teams of four players trying to score points by gliding a 20-pound stone 50 yards onto a target with designated points. Members of the sliding team sweep the ice in an attempt to move the stone into position. At times the stone can move as fast as five miles per hour as it reaches its destination.
“Don’t let that five miles an hour part scare you,” Freeley said. “It seems much faster than that. Sometimes one team’s stone collides with another team’s stone and knocks it out of the circle. That is the most exciting moment in Curling.”
To host the newly created USOEC curling team, Northern administrators have decided to build a brand new, 150,000 seat, curling stadium. The cost of the project is estimated to be in excess of $20 million.
The stadium will feature three seating tiers, 80 luxury boxes, heated seats, self-cooling cup holders, golden bidets in all bathrooms and a fountain which dispenses nothing but the finest Champagne.
NMU Athletic Director Mike Tauris said the arena will be the most awesome thing ever to happen to campus.
“I could see us easily selling out this arena for most of the bigger matches our Curling team will have,” Tauris said. “I’m getting aroused just thinking about having 150,000 screaming fans watching the USOEC curling team take on one of the bigger clubs in the Midwest like the Clintonville Curling Club.”
Members of the NMU hockey team were excited to hear about the new arena being built on campus, only to have their spirits crushed hours later when they were informed the arena would be reserved for Curling uses only.
Hans Olo, a member of the NMU hockey team, said he is disappointed that his team will not be able to use the new arena, but understood the reasoning behind it.
“It’s clear that Curling is going to be the new big sport here at Northern,” he said. “It’s not really shocking though, hockey can’t hold a candle to Curling when it comes to fast-paced, hard-hitting action.”
NMU students seem just as excited about the new sport.
“Holy crap!” freshman Cheech Marin said. “My days of getting stoned and watching curling on that Canadian channel are over.”