For anyone curious about different religious opportunities in America, the choices have become increasingly slim. Nowadays, most of the different religious sects are based on the worship of some Jewish carpenter whose story was filtered through generations and presented to us in one of the most boring tomes known to man. For anyone yearning for something more from your religion, allow me to present you with a tastier option.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not only the most peaceful religion on the face of the earth, it is also the only one based on good, solid, delicious evidence. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is exactly what he sounds like: a giant wad of meatballs and noodley appendages. He is invisible to human eyes (unless he chooses not to be) and undetectable by any instruments currently known to man. Because of this, not only is it impossible to disprove his existence, but we can automatically assume that everything that happens is because he wills it to be done.

Belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) has existed for centuries, but the church was pushed into the mainstream in 2005, when Bobby Henderson wrote an open letter to the Kansas school board in protest of their decision to allow creationism to be taught at schools alongside evolution. Henderson’s problem with the school board’s decision was not as much with the decision itself, but how it was to be carried out. If creationism was to be taught, what version would students learn?

Henderson’s letter to the school board not only presented a valid point, but within the letter Henderson unwittingly revealed the existence of the FSM to the masses.

Followers of the FSM (called pastafarians) are often described as pirate-like. The goal of every pastafarian is to live life in a way that is reflective of a pirate’s lifestyle. However, the FSM doesn’t wish followers to live as modern pirates, or even “Treasure Island” style pirates. The true pirate lived his or her life on the sea, searching for adventure while consuming copious amounts of “grog,” an alcoholic beverage. Pirates are unjustly depicted in modern pop culture as raping, pillaging murderers who cared about nothing else but acquiring wealth.

In reality, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is by far the most peaceful religion ever to exist. I challenge anyone to find a single person who was killed in the name of the FSM.

The church of the FSM also stands ahead of these religions as the only one among them that can claim victory over science. It is common knowledge to most people that believe in the creationist theory that the universe was created by a single supernatural being, and that evolution is a theory riddled with holes.  Although scientists have come up with overwhelming evidence for evolution, and against an intelligent design theory, their work is unreliable. The FSM, for mysterious reasons, is unwilling to prove his existence to mankind. While the scientists run tests that could prove his existence, the FSM, using his invisibility powers, changes the scientist’s results in his favor.

For someone who is lost, confused and looking for an accepting religion, one need go no further than the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Not only is the religion peaceful and accepting, its heaven consists of a magical land of beer volcanoes and stripper factories. Does it get much better than that?

As a follower of the FSM, I would encourage anyone who doubts our beliefs to hear what we have to say. The church’s website, www.venganza.org, contains useful information for anyone interested in converting.

As the great prophet Bobby Henderson once said, “Try us for 30 days. If you don’t like us, your old religion will probably take you back.”