One man’s thoughts while listening to Jeff Bridges’ recently released sleeping tapes

Jeff Bridges: Sleeping tapes. Sleeping tapes. Sleep. Everything implies everything else. Say sleep again, I dare you. Haunting background music. Trippy sleep sleep dream waking up. Sounds like he needs some sleep. Sleep so you can dream. More like scaring me to sleep.

Sleep demon from the seventh ring of hell telling me to sleep so he can suck out my soul. Intense crescendo to drawn out eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Don’t feel sleepy yet. Are you sleeping yet? Sleep. Consciousness sliding to relaxing rest only to pop.

Oh here we go. Jeff Bridges humming. Dis gon b gud. Jeff Bridges humming too high of a note. Oddly calming. Huuuuuuuih huih huuuuuih huih. Piano accompaniment accompanies decrescendo of gravelly Jeff Bridges voice.

Children at play, children aren’t relaxing. Jeff Bridges talking to a child? Hum with Jeff, come on, you know you want to. Not a child. Wife. She has a lackluster humming effort, frustrated and leaves. Don’t blame her. How would you feel waking up and having Jeff Bridges in your kitchen making trippy sleeping tapes? I just want some toast, yo.

Now Mr. Bridges is talking to a child. Deres a ghost in dare. So cute. Jeff Bridges trying to meet some kids in dreams.

Church bell off in the distance.

Water. Water. Trying to make people pee, Bridges? Talking about going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. A million bed sheets need to be changed.

A raven. A story. Black pendant. Storm. Thunder in the distance. Crack of Thunder. Standing with horses. Trembling legs. Tribal drumming, imitating the rain?

Ray and the silly putty. The Hand.

When I die there will be no burial or cremation. Wants to be put into a satellite. What the f—. His voice reverberates and…

Silence.

Sea and clouds and sun. Keys on the table. Driving toward the sea. RED DOOR. Will. Will. Will. You will do this and this and this. Hijacking dreams. Violin. Sad. Melancholy.

Feet crunching in dry foliage. A guided tour of Temescal Canyon. In our minds. We will walk with Bridges. Jeff. Friends. Sap running from trees, pine, cedar. Shadow of the canyon slopes. Wind. Gentle. Rustling hair slightly. Gentle hiker in the distance. Wave at the hiker. “That’s some nice waving.” Jim or Neal. He must be a Neal. Office chair in the canyon? Someone bring the office to the wilderness. Jeff keeping the chair. Good guy, cleaning up litter. Thinking about sitting at the top on chair. Making lemonade out of lemons.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane. I ain’t gonna pretend to be a crow, Jeff. Oh great, a stream. Now I really have to piss. Good idea, Jeff.

Yeah, you toss some rocks. I’m just going to sit on the chair and try to hold my pee. I bet Jeff Bridges is pretty good at skipping rocks. Dat zen master. NOT ROCKS?! SPANISH DOUBLOONS! History lesson from Bridges. We rich bitch.

Get to da choppa. Tone of chopper improving. Fluttering off in the distance. Almost to the top, thank god. My legs are starting to cramp. HU-HA. At the top. WOO-HOO. Sun setting. Going to have to hike back in the dark. Great. We are going to hang glide out, WUT?! Oh Jeff. Oh, hey Neal. Goodbye, Neal. Floating on the warm breeze of the California sunset.

Put me in a good mood, Jeff. Affirmations, yeah that’ll work. I am a good person, Jeff. Thanks. You like my hair, Jeff? Oh, you really know how to make a boy blush. Thanks for the hand comment, Jeff. I do have strong hands. I can woodwork? Whoa. I haven’t showered in a couple of days, but thanks for saying I smell nice. I am well-liked. Creative and inquisitive. Clean desk.

Wonderful, wonderful, onderful, erful, ful. Filled with wonder, onder, er.

Sleep.