Nearly five years ago I began my journey through academia and the break-up with my son, Ayden’s, father shortly followed. Living in Marquette and continuing my educational efforts has proven to be a healthy step away from my tiny home community, and among my top priorities is to foster an ideal childhood for my son. To no surprise however, single moms definitely deal with wars of head and heart too.
Over the years I’ve been on my share of dates: casual chats over coffee, hikes to Hogback and unfortunately having to deal with Netflix and chill boys that I’ve sent home with their superficial desires.
As an overly hopeful romantic living most of her college life single, there’s always been this persistent silver-lining idea that I’d “meet my person” before graduating. I’m now less than 50 days out from walking across the stage and turning my tassel. There’s an incredibly high likelihood I’ll faceplant on that stage and that I’ll also still be single, regardless of how funny I think I am.
I believe loneliness creeps in on us silently, as a relentless self-induced enemy. We open up our Instagram feed to scroll pass sickly adorable couples and most of us have at least one friend who’s engaged or married by now. Then as a single mother, there’s another certain pressure that persists with the missing fatherly figure at home. The difference is stark compared to the atmosphere I personally cherished dearly as a child myself.
But all of those unsuccessful in-between flings through college? The outcomes have all been blessings, whether I realized it then or not. Some crushes were harder to grow past than others. During my junior year, I became close to a male friend who would spontaneously road trip with me, taught me how to play simple songs on guitar, and we found ourselves close enough that we’d even go to church with each other’s families and visit during holiday meals.
But as it turns out, my gut feeling was right and he didn’t reciprocate the feelings. This seemed to become the trend with the best of my potential love interests.
Certain other instances made me far more wary of who handled my heart. I’ve dealt with someone whom I used to identify as a friend that put me in a negatively charged sexual situation influenced by alcohol. Another boy I went on a starlit walk with on the 510 bridge had the audacity to shove his hand down my underwear without permission on our second and definitely last time hanging out.
I’ve done other silly, love-blinded things like flying across the country to have my heart shattered properly than over distance through apprehensive text messages.
I’ve walked out of most situations with extortionate exhaustion. With so many failures in a row, I’ve questioned my personality and physical appearance much more than I care to admit. I’ve found myself asking, what could possibly be so wrong with me? I experience everything with such stark depth and anxiety swiftly sucker punches me when I contemplate whether or not people even care to navigate the fathoms of my own soul. I’ve picked myself apart obsessively and task myself with a never-ending journey of self-improvement, yet I fall into similar cycles with new plot twists.
Stepping back I see myself surrounded by the love of my son and recognize what goodness I’ve already been graced with. So who am I improving for? Why should I give this notion of singularity such a powerful grip over my day-to-day thoughts and actions?
The trials and the errors have made it lucid to me now just how important it really is to find someone who loves you through and through for being just the way you are. There’s not a set time in life Mr. Right is going to appear on your watch, but it’ll happen when it’s meant to.
Being so young and in college there’s so much to love about yourself, the things you’re doing, the greatness you’re accomplishing, the smiles you can bring to faces of loved ones and strangers.
Singularity only carries crippling weight if one welcomes the idea as a burden. I don’t need to wait around for a fatherly figure to build Ayden’s dreamscapes. I have the strength to guide him through his obstacles, just as I find fortification to thrive beyond my own drawbacks.
The presence or absence of a love partner doesn’t have to be the defining parameter of your success. There’s a reason why we yearn for love so vividly, but perhaps we must leave the odds to fate and faith that the right person will sweep us from our feet. In the meantime, we’re all far from inadequate.
