Dear North Wind,

I’ve been dating this guy for almost two years, and I really thought I wanted to marry him. We were very in love. Ever since I first met him I thought everything would work out. We helped each other through tough times, and we managed to stay together even when COVID-19 got really bad.

But when he asked me to give up my own ambitions to follow him overseas, I said no. I would have had to quit school and stay home being a housewife rather than having a career. I wouldn’t have a support system where he wanted to bring me. That just wasn’t a future I could say yes to. I was even a little bit angry that he expected me to make these sacrifices for him.

We broke up even though both of us loved each other. I thought that it would be one of those breakups where you can stay friends afterwards because I knew he cared about me and I still loved him with all my heart. We even texted for a while.

But then he started acting crazy. He posted things about me on his social media, claiming that I had cheated on him last year during the COVID-19 lockdown. My friends were freaked out.

Then he showed up at my parents’ house crying, and then he kept messaging my mom telling her I had cheated on him (I hadn’t) and that I was being human trafficked (I’m not). He even stalked my friends online.

I’m a little afraid of what he’ll do next. I’m not sure I want to get law enforcement involved because that seems like a super extreme reaction. But I don’t know what else to do. I carry pepper spray now, and I’m scared he’ll show up while I’m at the gym or my classes. How do I know when it’s time to call the police on him?

Kinda Scared

Dear Kinda Scared,

Simply put, the time to call the police is now. Actually, the time to call the police was as soon as he showed up at your parents’ house. There’s no absolute gauge to know when something is objectively too much, but if someone is stalking you, that’s simply not okay. Regardless of any previous relationship with the person, stalking is never acceptable.

Call the police station immediately and get a report filed as soon as possible. We wouldn’t want you to be in a situation where you or your family is in danger, and the police are not aware of your situation. Remember that you are entitled to your time and space, and although he clearly thinks he can just show up at your parents’ house and contact you in whatever way he pleases, he is sorely mistaken.

We understand that you were planning to marry this person, and you had many joyful ideas in place. And it’s disturbing that until the point of your breakup, this guy displayed no red flags. That is, until he expected you to make so many sacrifices for him. But honestly, we say, it’s 2021. Death to gender roles and being a housewife. Death to sacrificing your dreams for a partner. You really dodged a bullet with this guy, since it turned out that he loses his mind as soon as you say no to him.

We understand that this situation must be really scary. A person you cared about deeply is now actively seeking to harm you, which must be deeply disquieting. We want you to know we support you; you did the right thing by choosing your own happiness and your dreams over him. It sucks that you’re now in a position where you’ve put two years of time, energy and heart into a relationship that didn’t end up being what you hoped.

One thing we’d like to note is that it’s never a good idea to stay in close contact with your ex after a breakup. We recommend that, if you haven’t already, you should block this person on your phone and all of your social media.

Also, you’re definitely right to carry the pepper spray. We hope you can stay safe. You can never tell what someone will do when they are clearly acting erratic and unhinged.

Once you’ve taken care of calling the police and blocking him, make sure to take care of yourself. It sounds like you have a good support network around you; use it to the fullest extent. Your friends and family are the people to fall back on now. Process your feelings and your trauma with them. You shouldn’t be the only one to hold all this on your shoulders.

We hope that soon you can feel the full benefits of getting out of this relationship. Your dreams and ambitions are important, and we believe you’ll be able to find someone who will support you in them.

Best wishes

The North Wind Staff