Satire—Vaccine side effect cures Karen’s desire to speak to the manager

satire

Sam Rush/NW

Ryan McChesney

We are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of COVID-19 and finally, we are seeing vaccines roll out state-wide, both Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are reaching folks all across the state. Students here at Northern Michigan University are no exception. Some students and faculty members have been vaccinated at NMU, and of those, two students and one faculty member have experienced some interesting side effects. None of these side-effects have been life-threatening, but rather life-enhancing.

Tammy, who is a junior in NMU’s nursing program claims that after receiving her second dose of the vaccine she no longer believes that sleep is a necessity. 

“Being a nursing student is exhausting. Usually, I’m either studying for an exam, taking an exam, in class, or in clinicals. Bottom line is, all I want to do is sleep. If I’m not sleeping, I’m thinking of sleep, and even when I am sleeping I dream of sleep. My social life is non-existent. I gotta say though, after my second dose of the vaccine I have this new-found energy that I never had before. I received my second dose three weeks ago and I haven’t slept since. It’s amazing what one can accomplish in 24 hours. I am able to study all day and party all night. Finally, a social life,” Tammy said.

Karen, a faculty member here at NMU, claims that after her second dose of the vaccine she is no longer difficult to be around and no longer demands to speak to the manager. Plus, there’s talk that she might even switch up her hairdo.

“I’ll be the first to admit that I am difficult to be around, at times a bit abrasive, and constantly asking to speak to a manager at just about any department store. But that has all changed. You see after I received my second dose of the vaccine I just kind of felt different. I guess I was born again, and as a result, I gained a new perspective on life. I’ve come to the realization that the world in fact doesn’t revolve around me, mistakes are okay, and 10 out of 10 times, a problem can be resolved without speaking to a manager. I am just an overall nicer person. I even think I’ll get rid of my harsh blonde highlights and maybe let my hair grow,” Karen said.

Todd, who recently declared his major to be engineering here at NMU, believes that his vaccinations had a huge influence on his degree path.

“I was lost. I was almost a sophomore and still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn’t very good at English, math or even science. I was pretty stupid to be honest. I was contemplating dropping out. That all changed though. A day after I received my second dose of the vaccine, I was walking down Jamrich Hall and saw this math equation written on the wall, so I stopped and I kind of just solved it. I would later find out that I was the only one ever to solve such a complex equation and as a result, the engineering department gave me a full-ride scholarship here at NMU,” Todd said.  

Though these are just a few success stories of the student and faculty body in regards to the COVID-19 vaccine, we’re uncertain of how the vaccine has affected others here at NMU, and how many Karens may eventually be cured.

Editor’s Note: This piece is a satire column, not a news article. The information presented herein is not factual, and is intended only for amusement. It is written by a non-staff contributing writer at the North Wind. As such, it expresses the personal opinions of the individual writer, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the North Wind.