West Hall, which was torn down by NMU earlier this year, appears to have been home to hundreds, possibly thousands, of mole people before its removal. 

In a press release, an NMU spokesperson denied the existence of mole people on NMU’s campus. Many were baffled by this, as nobody had asked about mole people up to this point. Also, the press release was hidden in a mass email sent to the entire student body, something nobody would have thought to read. After further investigation, the race of creatures was discovered residing below NMU and deep in the earth, raising multiple questions that the world, and this campus, need answers to. 

Our reporters spent four months inside the mole people’s caves, learning detailed information about their civilization and history. The mole people live in a punishing neoliberal and capitalist society. It is a place where basic necessities come with a price tag, and class boundaries run deep and unbalanced.

The displacement of the mole people by constant construction on campus over the years has forced them to work in the dorms as Resident Advisors, or RAs. The main attractions of the job are free housing and dining. These amenities are hard to find in their society, unlike ours where these things are practically free. Every few years, a new generation of RAs are sent to handle the dorms, so they remain the same age as the student body.

The mole people have their own unique characteristics, including traveling by tunnel, living in darkness for days at a time, and enhanced event planning capabilities. This makes them the perfect candidate to fulfill the duties of the job. But on the other hand, they have to be known as RAs. 

Many wonder about the moral ramifications of this trade. To gain an RA’s perspective, we interviewed a mole person currently employed in the dorms. Greggario Olsen, known by his mole person name of “Bob,” shared the details of his life as an RA.

“Honestly, the room is not too different from living miles underground,” Olsen said. “I still rarely see daylight.”

Olsen added that communicating with the student body is difficult, as many seem to “hate every fiber of his being.”

“I mean, I am just doing my job,” Olsen said. “I am sorry I cannot let you blast music at 3 a.m. or throw a party. This job is not easy. I literally have five minutes of free time every day. I have been spending the last week trying to finish one episode of Breaking Bad. I would appreciate it if everyone could lighten up on us.”

“I honestly had no idea,” freshman Chet Dorito said. “It never occurred to me that they are living beings with feelings. I guess it makes more sense that they just kinda become RAs. I did not think anyone wanted to actively become one.”

Olsen said that he harbors no ill will towards the student body and is truly glad he took the job. However, he wishes he had received a bit more recognition for his work, and that Northern would make curtains that blocked out the painful rays of the sun.

“I guess it is not that bad,” Olsen said. “The free housing does save me a lot of money. I really do appreciate some of my residents a lot, and I would really like to see them succeed. And if I have to stay up till 2 a.m. at least once a week, have impossible difficulties trying to make and maintain personal relationships, have maybe eight days off a month, deal with constant negativity, be forced to plan activities nobody shows up to, do hours of paperwork weekly, handle residents’ and my own crumbling mental health, and handle all of my classwork and growing pains at the same time, it is … I am sorry, I lost my train of thought.”

Editor’s Note: This piece is a satire column, not a news article. The information presented herein is not factual, and is intended only for amusement. It expresses the personal opinions of the individual writer, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the North Wind.