(0.5 stars out of 5)

You know those cheesy, poorly-acted monster movies you see on the Sci-Fi channel at 2 a.m.? The ones about a killer octopus or a mutated rat that you and your friends get together to watch and make fun of? Well those films can now be classified as classics when compared to what is the worst film ever, “Dragon Wars: D-War.”

Going into this film, I was anticipating something along the lines of “Octopus,” a terrible, campy film that, at the very least, was fun to watch. No matter how poorly produced these types of films are, it’s always entertaining to watch some unsuspecting person suddenly attacked and eaten by a mutated octopus. But even in this regard, “D-War” isn’t entertaining.

The story is easily the worst I’ve ever seen, worse than a storyline surrounding a killer octopus attacking a ship for no reason. According to legend, a woman born 500 years ago bore a strange tattoo on her shoulder which meant she possessed the mysterious and ridiculously- named Yeouijoo. The woman needed the Yeouijoo on her twentieth birthday to offer as a sacrifice to the good Imoogi, so the Imoogi could ascend to the heavens and allow mankind to continue living in peace. In case you’re wondering, they never really explain what the Yeouijoo is and, as far as Imoogi goes, the latter is a large snake.

As always there is an evil bad guy who wants to see the end of the world, so he summons the Dark Imoogi. If the Dark Imoogi receives the Yeouijoo, the world will be destroyed. To stop this, the heavens sent down a warrior to protect her. Unfortunately, the warrior falls in love with the woman and, not wanting to be parted from each other, the two kill themselves before the Good Imoogi can receive the Yeouijoo and fulfill the prophecy.

It is now present day and news reporter Ethan (Jason Behr) has discovered that, not only is he the warrior who must protect the Yeouijoo, but the Dark Imoogi has returned as well. Desperate and frantic, he tracks down Sarah (Amanda Brooks) who is a 19-year-old woman who just happens to bear a strange tattoo on her shoulder. Together they try to escape from the Dark Imoogi, in hopes of finding the Good Imoogi and fulfilling their destiny. All the while a war between, and I’m not making this up, giant reptiles and the United States Army ravishes Los Angeles.

There is nothing about this movie that is redeeming, save for the 15 minute fight between large reptiles and helicopters. There is no acting in this film; not even cheesy, forced acting. You are likely to find more animated and excited people reading a book at a library. Characters rattle off their lines with such lack of interest that it will boggle the mind. I never thought a person could be so bored while being chased by a thousand foot long snake, but these “actors” pull it off.

The dialogue is atrocious, completely lacking any irony or wit. It is so painful to watch that it took all of my willpower not to leave the theater during the film, something I’ve never done before. And the Imoogi are the most boring, soulless monsters I’ve ever seen. They creep along at a ridiculously slow pace and occasionally pick up a car and throw it a few hundred feet down the road. These quick bouts of action are mostly an attempt to keep the audience awake, rather than serving any practical purpose. The large scale battle in Los Angeles is somewhat entertaining, but you have to sit through nearly an hour of unwatchable film just to get to it.

I could go on and on about how terrible this film is, how it’s easily the worst I’ve ever seen, or how depressing it is that I wasted $5.25 to see it. But I will end with this: Avoid this movie.

There is nothing worth seeing in this 107 minute waste of film. Not a single thing.