BRIEFS

Live in a box, gain Real World Experience

In response to the global recession, Superior Edge has decided to expand its requirements for the Real World Edge. Along with participating in internships and attending conferences, students are now allowed to gain credit for living in a box for 24 hours. “We don’t really know how long these hard times are going to last,” said Superior Edge grad student Kimberly Imprez. “We realize however that this will be a reality for some students, hopefully very few.” Imprez encouraged students to be creative with this experience and practice finding food and clothing without purchasing it. “I’m worried about my future, sure,” said Dennis Vick, junior history major, through the two eye-holes he had cut into the dilapidated refridgerator box he’d already inhabited for eight hours. “I think this is a great idea. Only four more hours to go! Doyou have some change?” Imprez said this aspect of the Real World Edge is optional, and students who do not see themselves as facing such a situation are welcome to do something else for this Edge, such as apply for unemployment or move to the tent city outside of Sacramento, Calif. for at least three days. “You never know what could happen, though,” Imprez said. Pamphlets are available in the Superior Edge office for further information on how to live in a box.
— Betsy Wetsy

Animal attack in dorms leaves scars

On Wednesday, March 25, freshman zoology major Hans Hogan was attacked by the domesticated chipmunk he was secretly keeping in his Halverson Hall dorm room. According to Hogan, he allowed his chipmunk, Chippy, to be loose in the room, play XBox 360 and drink the vodka he was hiding in his freezer. The chipmunk, according to Hogan, had posed no trouble for him until Wednesday, when it launched a vicious attack on his face and neck. Hogan’s suitemate Bill Bygone, a sophomore and pre-med student, heard Hogan pleading with the chipmunk to stop. Bygone said he saw Hogan bleeding profusely from the neck and eyes, so he grabbed the chipmunk and threw him into a nearby Taco Bell bag . He then let the raving chipmunk loose outside. “There was no way I was going to keep him around,” Bygone said. “You should have seen Hans. His shirt was stained with blood from where the thing bit his back and neck, it was awful.” Hogan was treated for severe facial lacerations. James Dolots, the doctor at MGH who treated Hogan, said Hogan may need reconstructive surgery to fix the damage done by Chippy. “In the wake of the monkey attack that happened a little over a month ago in Connecticut, we have to be realistic about what animals we try to domesticate,” Dolots said. “You can’t go trying to make Jeremy Giraffe your best friend. It’s just not a good idea.” Anyone who spots Chippy, who is described as small, brown, and unusually cute, should call the Chipmunk Hotline at 1-800-Chips-R-Dangerous.

— Betsy Wetsy

Newspaper reports cause own demise

As more and more newspapers begin to report on the disappearance of newspapers, more and more newspapers are actually begining to disappear. “It started out as a great scam to get people to buy newspapers,” said Jackson Jahony, former editor-in-chief of a now extinct publication. “You see, we wrote about how our newspaper was disappearing so that people would buy it to read about how, soon, they wouldn’t be able to buy it. It was genius. But then, people started believing the reports.” Jahony isn’t the first editor to make this mistake, as newspapers across the country continue reporting on their own industry’s imminent demise. “Everyone should just stop reporting on it,” Jahony said. “If the public doesn’t know it’s happening, then maybe it will just go away.” Jahony added that once his newspaper went under, it was difficult for him to find work. “Now, instead of running the town’s only daily newspaper, I’m a crew member over at the Chicken Shack,” he said. “Have a ‘Clucking great day!'”

– Jackula