Area man vomits after report on economy

jackula.

After watching the one millionth report on the global economic crisis, Marquette resident Stanley Heikinen spontaneously vomited all over his new living room carpet.

“I don’t know what happened,” he said. “One minute, I’m watching CNN, the next, the ham sandwich I ate for lunch is all over my carpet. And then my dog started licking it. The whole thing was disgusting.”

Heikinen is not alone in his unusual reaction to the news. Similar reports of uncontrollable puking have been filed in at least eight other states.

Debra Debbings, spokesperson for the Centers for Disease Control, said the incidents are isolated and unlikely to spread throughout the country.

“From what we’ve heard so far, everyone who vomited did so after seeing the CNN report, ‘Breaking news: Economy still in the crapper,'” she said. “Our doctors have determined that their bodies were simply reacting to what they deemed to be ‘a ridiculous amount of bad reporting on one issue.'”

Debbings also said the actual vomiting came as a surprise to most people who experienced it. This was also true of Heikinen.

“I didn’t even have time to get that extra spit in your mouth you get right before you throw up,” he said. “I was just sitting there, and then, bam, puke was shooting straight out of my mouth.”

The report was only 90-seconds long and aired at 3:54 p.m. on Wednesday, March 26. Debbings said it is unlikely that many more people will experience spontaneous vomiting.

“You can only show the one millionth report of something once, right?” she said. “Right now, we’re just looking to the future.

“Hopefully, we can figure this thing out before the two millionth report is aired and people start projectile-vomiting their vital organs.”