The Student News Site of Northern Michigan University

The North Wind

The North Wind

The North Wind

Meet the Staff
Megan Voorhees
Megan Voorhees
Assistant News Editor

Hi! I’m Megan Voorhees and I’m the Assistant News Editor at The Northwind! I was first introduced to journalism my sophomore year of high school and I’ve been in love with the profession and writing...

The North Wind Editorial Sessions
About us

The North Wind is an independent student publication serving the Northern Michigan University community. It is partially funded by the Student Activity Fee. The North Wind digital paper is published daily during the fall and winter semesters except on university holidays and during exam weeks. The North Wind Board of Directors is composed of representatives of the student body, faculty, administration and area media.

Students protest against Israel-Hamas war with campus encampment
Students protest against Israel-Hamas war with campus encampment
Dallas WiertellaApril 30, 2024

What say you?

What’s wrong with all the men out there?

I know I’m a pretty girl. There’s no doubt about that. I look at myself in the mirror and I actually want to make out with myself. I’m that good looking. What I don’t understand is why no guy will give me the time of day. I dress perfectly slutty, I wear an immense amount of makeup and I make sure that my thong can always be seen. What the hell is wrong with you stupid boys?

You know what else really grinds my gears? The fact that I’m never called back for a second date. Every time I go out with a boy I make sure to follow the three Fs: funny, flirtatious and flexible. Even though I make sure they get a prime example of each of them I never get a phone call the next day.

My blonde hair goes halfway down my back; my lips are red and full, my cheeks are always pink and my cheekbones are high. My breasts are firm and large; my legs are long and elegant. There is no reason for me to be alone. Even if I didn’t have an aesthetically pleasing exterior, the inside of me is where it’s really at.

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I graduated at the top of my class, after a few years of trying. I can spell my name with hardly any mistakes. I’ve read at least three books. I’m a catch, and I’m not the one who’s going to get away.

Boys, listen up. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have a rich doctor spend his entire salary on me in a single day. I deserve to be spoiled in every way. What I don’t deserve is to have every single guy treat me as if I was nothing more than a piece of meat. I’m better than that and everyone knows it.

So, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to place an ad in next week’s paper. What I want to happen is every single guy who is either young, hot and rich is to personally contact me and ask me out on a date. You will spend a great amount of money on me. You will answer to my every whim and desire. Basically, you will be my slave. After a week’s time I will pick who is going to be my lover and he will never leave my side.

I’m ready, boys.

Come and get me.

— Bambie Longlegs

sophomore, undeclared

North Wind sex column ruined and improved my life.

While I have enjoyed the sex columns that have been published in The North Wind recently, I must say that they come as a mixed blessing. The advice itself is great and I take it to heart whenever I can.

Therein lies the problem, though. The advice is so fantastic that I feel an almost compulsive need to practice what she preaches. Every week is a new sexual adventure to embark on and I must take that leap. While advice about achieving multiple orgasms and having anal sex have all proven invaluable, I’m afraid that I’ve worn myself out, so to speak.

In fact, I’m afraid I’ve developed a kind of an addiction to the sex column. Every week I find myself sweating profusely days before the latest issue of The North Wind is set to be released. I feel like a heroin addict. I just can’t kick this habit!

So, I plead and beg with the editor-in-chief to release a daily version of the sex column. There are only so many days I have left in life, and there are literally thousands of positions left to try. I know I am not alone on this issue, either.

Many of my friends suffer from this same affliction and nearly all of them demand more sex columns. Often we’ll sit around in a circle and talk about what the next column may be about and what we’d like to see. We send in as many letters as we can to have our (sometimes literally) burning questions answered. While a few of them have been, it’s never enough. And the only thing we can say is we want more, More, MORE!

Fellow students, the time is now. If you have ever been afraid to ask a question for fear of the repercussions, now is the time to gather your courage and ask about those burning desires of yours. No longer should you be afraid to ask about what the average penis size is. No longer should you hide in shame over what would otherwise be considered normal questions. Lindsay knows all and will tell the truth and nothing but it.

Lindsay, if you’re reading this, know that you have fans out here. Fans who pledge their undying love to you and will always take your advice. It’s because of you that I learned that what I was doing was not immoral or a sin, but natural and a perfect way to express my love.

— Matt Locke

senior, art and design

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