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The North Wind

The North Wind

The North Wind

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Rachel Pott
Rachel Pott
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I am a marketing major about to start my second year at Northern Michigan University, however, this will be my third year in college. I previously attended a small community college...

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The North Wind is an independent student publication serving the Northern Michigan University community. It is partially funded by the Student Activity Fee. The North Wind digital paper is published daily during the fall and winter semesters except on university holidays and during exam weeks. The North Wind Board of Directors is composed of representatives of the student body, faculty, administration and area media.

Students protest against Israel-Hamas war with campus encampment
Students protest against Israel-Hamas war with campus encampment
Dallas Wiertella April 30, 2024

Chimp to play quarterback at Northern

Meet NMU’s new starting quarterback for the 2009 season: Bobo the chimpanzee.

It may seem like the plot of the latest wacky Disney movie, but NMU head coach Fritz Hamm insists it’s 100 percent reality.

“We’ve had some struggles at the quarterback position in the past. I was out scouting high school players earlier this year and took a break at the Milwaukee County Zoo. That’s where I met Bobo,” he said.

Even though the monkey’s most pertinent experience to playing quarterback is flinging his own feces, Hamm said if recent history is any indicator, this season should be an exciting one.

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“I’ve watched a lot of movies — Air Bud, Air Bud Golden Receiver, Air Bud World Pup, Most Valuable Primate – and I’ve formulated a plan for next year,” Hamm said. “First we’ll keep Bobo on the bench for a game or two, which we’ll lose, and then I’ll insert him into the line-up for the third game. We’ll win out the rest of the season and playoffs.”

Hamm indicated that there will be some unseen twists before the championship game.

“I dunno, maybe the opposing team will find some obscure NCAA rule about monkeys playing quarterback, or he’ll get kidnapped by an evil lab assistant or maybe he’ll be injured in a hilarious banana related accident,” he said. “All I know is that when that happens the team will learn a deep and not at all subtle lesson about friendship, or camaraderie or Jesus and that will propel us to our championship victory.”

Ex-starting quarterback John Schlitz expressed a surprising amount of happiness for a player who was just replaced by a monkey.

“At first I was like, ‘Heck no! I am not getting replaced by a gosh dang monkey,” he said. “But then Coach reassured me that it would be my job to step in during the fourth quarter of the championship game after something goes horribly wrong.”

Hamm also told Schlitz that he would learn a teen-friendly lesson about respecting women he dates and the value of waiting until marriage for sex.

“He let me know that early in the season I would probably get into a fight with my girlfriend — who I love to treat as an object,” Schlitz said. “Coach told me that throughout the season, Bobo would help me learn a wholesome, teen-friendly lesson about not objectifying women. Plus I’ll probably get to wear a Purity Ring.”

Other players on the team are not taking it as good as Schlitz. Star cornerback Charlie Pabst said he was angry at the idea of having to play with a monkey.

“(Expletive) no! I’m not (expletive) playing with a (expletive) monkey,” he said. “Coach can kiss my (expletive) if he thinks this is how (expletive) is going to go down this year. What is this, the God (expletive) (expletive) circus?”

Pabst was later released from the team for what Hamm referred to only as “having a potty mouth.”

“There’s just no place on this team for that type of language,” he said. “We need to keep this season rated PG.”

Hamm concluded the press conference by saying:

“I sure hope this chimp doesn’t go wild and attack anyone.”

He added that even if Bobo attacked someone it would be ok.

“He could just play hockey then,” Hamm added.

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