Put politics on car bumper

Lee McClelland

The automobile that you drive says a lot about you. I hadn’t put much stock into this idea until I saw the bumper of a Toyota Camry covered in these odd, elongated rectangles.

They must have been held on with some form of adhesive and they differed in topics. One read, “Pro-Life,” and another, “McCain/Palin 2008.”

As it turns out, the real estate on the derriere on your automobile is a forum for discussion in modern society. It’s a brand; a statement; it’s you in a 4×10. This is troubling for people like me, people who don’t own a car or truck. We are empty vessels wandering, waiting for God to smite us, to put us out of this meaningless existence.

Without a bumper, we have no voice. We are reliant on our legs, just like those socialist European vagrants.

This realization came full circle when I read a bumper sticker that said “Freeloaders are Unwelcome in America.” I felt unwelcome. Unlike “The Who,” I wasn’t “Goin’ Mobile” anytime soon. I wanted to crawl into a hole or walk in front a bus full of welcomed Americans. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find one in Marquette, so I sobbed gently.

Enough of my own personal confessions, the important thing in this column is the automobile. Combustion engines thrusting people along the major roadways, this is the focus. Jeezum crow, am I forgetting myself completely?

I’ve been looking below the trunk for answers, without any regard for what junk may lie in said trunk. Surprisingly, the answers have been waiting for me on a cracked plastic foundation. I now know that “Sulfide Mining Kills Rivers,” and that “Legalize Weed” isn’t just a statement; it’s a sticker.

What socked me even more? Learning that “Bush Killed Freedom.” All of these phrases made me think. Thinking hurts my noggin, no matter how many noodle dances I do; PB and J aren’t always the moral authority, let me tell you.

If I were a rational person, I would base all of my decisions off of bumper stickers. Who would vote otherwise? How has America made decisions before the bumper?

I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said, “If I don’t see it on the rear end of a train, I won’t vote for it. I do not believe in statements that aren’t cemented in some form of real estate.”

I believe in Abraham Lincoln and in George W. Bush. After all, Bush had a bumper sticker that was plastered on America’s roadways. I am a firm believer in democracy. If America pastes its opinions on the rear end of automobiles, I’ll listen.

How can I go wrong? It’s not as if these statements are diluted or untrue. American ideals appertain to the bumper. I have remitted all of my thoughts and downsized them to a small, adhesive sticker. Maybe that way, though I don’t have a car, someone might listen to what I have to say.