My Dumb phone?

Anthony Viola

AnthonyMy flip phone is better than your iPhone. I mean, have you ever used a flip phone? Using your thumb to slowly caress the side and deftly flipping it up like you’re in a go**amn spy movie. You’ve never felt so smooth when expertly flinging your phone open, keeping your eyes on whoever you’re with and saying “What’s up?” to the person on the line. You can’t do that with an iPhone, you would just look like a moron and probably drop it, breaking that screen that is oh-so-easy to shatter. I can’t shatter my phone, I’ve tried. The two inch screen is indestructible.

“What about apps,” you ask? “Who needs apps?” I answer. I have UNO. Yeah, that’s right folks, UNO. Your favorite childhood game now in gorgeous 12-bit. Oh, and it’s not even the full version either, I can get all my UNO kicks in the short five minute trial. I mean, who wants to play UNO longer than five minutes anyway? Thanks flip phone for providing the friends to play UNO with as well. My friends named Mike, Sam and a guy named Elvis. The king of rock’n’roll has come back from the dead, pulled on his jumpsuit once more to play me in UNO. You better believe that doesn’t happen on an iPhone.

You want to know what else an iPhone doesn’t have? Buttons. My flip phone not only has buttons, but “large, tactile keypad with hot keys for quick messaging,” according to the Verizon Wireless site. I could have this phone until I’m 80 years old and still be able to use it. Ever see an old person use an iPhone? Hilarious.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you iPhone users will be those geriatrics pounding away at whatever new technology is out, because it’s the cool thing, while I’ll be giggling gleefully in the corner, texting my 100-year-old girlfriend (who also has the same phone as I do) with no problems whatsoever.

And while y’all are tethered to the wall because your battery only lasts two hours, I’m running around the world not even carrying a cord because my battery lasts for “390 minutes,” according to the Verizon Wireless website. I don’t even remember the last time I charged my phone. Last week? Two weeks ago? Who knows. I asked a senior photography major (who wanted to stay anonymous for obvious reasons (hint: embarrassed that she even owns an iPhone)) how often she has to charge her phone. Sheepishly she replied “every day.”

Not only do I not need to charge my phone every day, but I don’t have to check my Facebook every 10 minutes because, guess what, I can’t even connect to it. I’m free from the torments of social networking and worrying about what all my “friends” (not Elvis mind you, he’s playing UNO) did over the weekend without me.

Next time you see someone with a flip phone don’t turn up your nose and scoff, you probably wouldn’t notice anyway with your face plastered to that massive screen on the newest iPhone.