Dear North Wind,

When I met my ex girlfriend two years ago, we lived in the same neighborhood but acted like we were long distance. My parents immediately didn’t approve of me dating another girl and forced us to stay apart as much as possible. In a way, the challenge of staying together made us closer and we came up with ways to communicate long distance, like writing messages in our Spotify playlist titles and falling asleep on FaceTime. When I moved away for college last year, the distance didn’t feel like a huge obstacle since our relationship had practically been long distance from the beginning. 

But the distance seemed to be a problem for her. She started becoming more possessive and controlling of the places I went and the friends I made. Nearly every conversation we had ended in a fight and every time we would ‘solve’ an argument, another one would surface the next day. On top of school and making friends, it was emotionally and physically exhausting to keep fighting with her. 

We ‘broke up’ at the end of last semester, but were on and off again over the summer since we could barely go two days without talking to each other. A week ago she came to visit in person and it ended in a huge fight; we didn’t even say goodbye before she left. 

We haven’t talked since then but I want to every day. It is so difficult to say goodbye to someone I loved for two years without any real closure. I know our relationship was toxic, but I still love her and it is so easy to ignore all of our bad moments. I would like to stay friends with her but feel like if I reach out, it will be difficult to not start up a relationship with her again. 

How do I get over my toxic ex when I’m still in love with her?

Broken Hearted Girl

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

This is a question that is close to our hearts too. Sometimes, when dating a toxic person we become so obsessed with the idolized person we believe them to be that we start to lose the reality of the situation. It hurts, but usually your first love isn’t your final love. We know you probably don’t want to lose your connection to this girl; she was your lifeline. But if you get back together with this ex now, the problems present in your relationship won’t go away

Ultimately, we think you should avoid contact with your ex. You’re clearly not good for each other right now. It must not have been easy living at home when your parents didn’t approve, and you both must feel like now you have to make it work. But it sounds like it’s simply not meant to be. You have a toxic dynamic, characterized by her blowing up and you both having arguments. We recommend you give it some air and some time. Don’t reach out to her. If she wants to apologize for blowing up on you, she’ll do so.

Meanwhile, watch “The Notebook” or “Twilight,” eat popcorn and try to forget. Surround yourself with friends who support you in being healthy. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship that’s so close, you can become alienated from others. We recommend finding your own community, building healthy friendships, and seeking a variety of people who support you.

Just a few final tips: don’t use vices (smoking, drinking) to blunt the pain, don’t get Tinder, don’t commit tax fraud using her name, etc.

Best wishes,

The North Wind Staff