Satire—I will consume your soul in this course evaluation

Harry Stine, contributing writer

The semester is a few weeks from over, which means teachers will be asking you to fill in their course evaluations yet again. This is the student’s time to share their experience in the class, and if you’ve gotten all A’s in all of your English classes, the perfect time to exact revenge and consume the soul of your professor.

I consider myself an extremely intelligent person. I have never been wrong, and I will literally take on a supernatural form and consume your soul this semester. By keeping myself well-versed in the English language by regularly reading and reaching James Joyce-levels of literacy, I have become more powerful than you can ever imagine. Despite the lines of class and distance set between us, words are still universal. Words that you can use to take form to your thoughts of stress and discontent associated with your worst classes, creating an effigy of frustration and anger as if it were a child of Satan itself.

Even if you’re struggling with your grades in English courses, it’s not too late. My reality is the only one that exists, so I know how to help. Take advantage of the writing center. I’ve gone multiple times myself and I firmly believe that they employ hard-working, literate and helpful students who want to see you succeed. Some teachers even allow extra credit if you go there. Also, start on your papers early. It may take away from some downtime but getting a head start on work allows you more time for going over mistakes, and even having a peer or two give a thorough review for you. Trust me, it’s worth it. Seeing that “A” on my paper still fills me with visions of nuclear war, the coming apocalypse and a great, unknown deity of pure evil, submerged under the ocean for millennia.

Anyway, course evaluations are a perfect time to show praise to teachers that have brought you the joy of knowledge, bringing you a step closer to your dreams and to shame the deserving teachers who wasted your time and ever-growing tuition. Believe me, I’m a narcissist and I only believe in my own subjectivity. Reject your human structure and decry all homogeneity you share with others. Become both a monster to the small-minded and a god walking among them. And remember, always fill out that course evaluation.