Satire — New Bar Holds Craft IPAs, Giant Void Of Death


Dallas Wiertella/NW

MIND OF AN ARTIST – Damien Hubert (Above) waves through his window at our reporter. Hubert has opened a new brewery in the Marquette area that stands out from the competition by being host to a mysterious black hole.

Harry Stine

Another brewery has opened in Marquette this week, but to stand out among the crowd, this one offers something a little different than what you are used to.

“We have a black void,” owner Damien Hubert said. “Let’s see Blackrocks top that. Oh, you have a new IPA? We have an infinite chasm that you can throw your empties into.”

According to Hubert, a strange man who appeared to be a priest came into the bar on their opening day and warned him that the building was on cursed land. Hubert thought nothing of it until the next day when he saw a black hole had formed in one corner of the bar. 

“Sure, it’s a little weird,” Hubert said. “Especially the fact that it keeps getting bigger. Frankly, I don’t know what to do about that.”

He is also unsure what happens to things put in the void, but he does hear strange whispers coming from it, and weird writings in Latin have begun to appear in certain areas of the building. Nevertheless, he assures customers that the void is all good fun, but not to get too close to it, as he does not want to “repeat any past mistakes”.

Not everyone is a fan of the void. Hubert’s brother, Cromwell, refuses to set foot in the bar after witnessing the void. He described the void as “unsafe” and “a portal to Hell.” Cromwell shared that like others, he threw his empty into the void, but after hearing a blood-curdling scream, realized that the void might not be the best idea.

“It’s angry,” Cromwell said. “I could feel it’s anger when I was over there. You can’t let people in there. I know craft beer guys won’t be safe around that.”

Cromwell, among a group of other patrons, shared visions of a dark and ancient evil taking up their nightmares in the weeks after throwing beer cans at the void. Hubert downplays these concerns, assuring that other than the fact dogs seem to keep running away from him, there is nothing to be worried about.

“Who doesn’t have a nightmare about a gigantic blood feast every once in a while?” Hubert said. “I used to dream of Satan coming to Marquette and wreaking havoc. Then I woke up and found out Kid Rock was trying to do a show here.”

Apparently, Cromwell is not alone. While not overwhelming, Hubert has admitted a few people believe the hole to be dangerous. According to him, a few people have gone into strange “fits” where they begin speaking in tongues and reporting hallucinations later on.

But dangerous or not, business has grown since Hubert began advertising the black hole. According to Hubert, many come in simply to throw their empties into the hole, something he mentioned to me four different times. 

“You know, it’s mostly guys like me, who are recently divorced, who just need something to do during the day,” Hubert said. “And if that’s drinking mediocre IPAs and throwing them into an endless void that grows by the day, so be it.”

Editor’s Note: This piece is a satire column, not a news article. The information presented herein is not factual, and is intended only for amusement. It expresses the personal opinions of the individual writer, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the North Wind.