Satire — I deserve to ride the golf cart on campus

Harry Stine

I became a student at NMU during my senior year of high school after deciding to dual enroll and take EN 111. I loved it. In the middle of the day, I was to leave my dreary high school and go to NMU’s campus, where I would be much more engaged and happy with what I was learning.

I was assigned to read Stephen King’s autobiography “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft,” and I had conversations in class that were interesting with interesting people. I would even have a little bit of time before class to get a cup of coffee or visit the library if I felt like it. It was nice.

However, there was always one thing that caught my attention more than anything else. It was perfect, too perfect. I couldn’t resist its sight. It was so amazing that the thought of it couldn’t give me comfort, but only envious contemplations as to why it wasn’t mine.

No, it wasn’t mine to have. Not then, and sometimes I fear it may never be. You’ve seen it too, cutting through the crowds outside Jamrich and tearing its way through the Northern ground.

That golf cart that employees drive across campus. I must ride it. It must happen.

Not long after I graduated high school, I began working at Starbucks on campus. In the summer, I’d look out the window and see the golf cart fly past. “God, I wish that were me,” I thought. Let that be me. Make it me. I can feel it already. The wind whipping through my hair. The bugs flying into my nose and mouth. The sun shining down on me, like a kiss from God.

That dragon, that golf cart.

This isn’t satire. This is desire. I could frame this as humorous as I want, but the truth will always be there. I need to ride this golf cart before I graduate. I don’t need to drive it, I simply need a seat on the heavenly chariot of the north. 

I’ve thought about how to make this happen, and this is my last shot. I don’t know anyone who has ridden the golf cart, I don’t know how one gets to ride the golf cart, but I know that time is running out and I need to have this before it’s too late. I have one semester left, and then the light of hope will be extinguished from my life.

I am a multimedia journalism major and a political science major. There is literally no hope for me. This is the one thing I ask before the sun turns to black, and all color and joy fade from life as I find myself falling deeper and deeper into a chasm of darkness built by my own doing.

Please, I have never begged before, but I begin now. Riding on the golf cart wouldn’t just be sick, it would ignite the spark of happiness in me for one last time, and maybe bring me some kind of faith to hold on to.

Editor’s Note: This piece is a satire column, not a news article. The information presented herein is not factual, and is intended only for amusement. It is written by a non-staff contributing writer at the North Wind. As such, it expresses the personal opinions of the individual writer, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the North Wind.